The wagon
I read something by Oprah in the January 2009 edition of “O” magazine that struck me: “When it comes to maintaining my health, I didn’t just fall off the wagon. I let the wagon fall on me. I didn’t follow my own fundamental rule of taking care of self first. My personal philosophy…is all about living well, filling your own cup so you always have bounty to share with others. And the price I’ve paid for losing sight of that is more weight. No balance. Less joy. Everything I know for sure about maintaining a sense of balance and well-being, I allowed to be pushed aside for whatever was masquerading as a priority. I took myself off the to-do list; whatever time was left over is what I gave myself.”
If I were an editor of a magazine about my life, I would write something very similar about the last 6 months. I got so overwhelmed by all of my personal drama (a failed attempt at a relationship, the declining health of my grandparents, my crazy schedule, etc.) that I took myself off my to-do list – letting my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder run amok.
As I embark on a new year, I am removing the wagon and putting myself back on my to-do list.
My personal mission statement
As an internal communications specialist, I spend a lot of time writing mission statements for organizations and project teams, so when asked to write my own personal mission statement for a class, one would think not such a hard proposition, right? Wrong. It was hard, really hard, but at the end of the day, I am digging the final result. With that said, I share with you my personal mission statement:
Analyze my actions for self-improvement
Be a good mom to Casey (my 5-year-old golden retriever)
Be a team player
Be approachable
Be open and honest
Breathe in and breathe out
Connect with at least one person once a day
Cry when needed
Defy gravity
Drink good wine with great friends
Keep current on my bills, email and snail mail
Laugh often
Learn something new every day
Look at life with a sense of humor
Love my family and friends
Problem solve
Show personal interest in others
Take it one day at a time
Talk less, listen more
Write daily
If I die …
In his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Stephen R. Covey recommends beginning with the end in mind when working on your personal leadership.
I took Covey up on his challenge and thought about my funeral and what I would want said about me: by my mother, a friend, a colleague and a fellow Jehovah’s Witness.
First, I would want my mother to say how I never stopped growing. From infancy, I strove to be the best person I could be. I never let obstacles like my cerebral palsy and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder stand in my way. When I could not type the traditional way because of the cp, I taught myself to type 50wpm with my two index fingers. I did not use my ADHD as an excuse – I harnessed it and used it to my advantage. I was not complacent to say this was the best person I could be. I constantly analyzed my behavior and tried to make improvements – like trying to talk less and listen more. While it was not always easy being my mother, she would not have wanted any other daughter. I was her best friend.
Second, I would want my friends to say that I was loyal. No matter what he or she needed, I could be counted on to be there. I could also be counted on for an honest opinion. There was no guessing with me. I only knew how to be me and I was always that person. I was not fake nor a game player. If I liked you, you were in forever. If I didn’t, it was going to be hard to get in. I was strong and independent, but also thankful for a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. I had a love for live music, tv, George Clooney, shoes, the New York Yankees and the Duke Blue Devils. And, because they knew me, they were changed for good.
Third, I would want my co-workers to say I was smart and dependable. No matter what the task, I attacked it with gusto. No matter how close to the deadline, I always got things done. I could also be counted on for an alternative solution when something was not working well or was too expensive. I was an advocate for the individual employee – always asking what a program or process change meant for them first. I worked hard and was fun to be around. I also showed personal interest, not just in the job at hand, but in their lives. I was the ultimate team player, not caring who got the credit and only hoping for successful outcomes.
Finally, I would want my fellow Jehovah’s Witness to comment on my love for God. While I was busy, and possibly too busy at times, I always made time for God. He was the center of my universe and that is what made me a good daughter, a good friend and a good colleague. My desire to please him and the lessons I learned from his word the Bible made me a better person.
So mom, friends, colleagues and fellow JWs – if you are called on to speak at my funeral, I gave you an outline :-).
Am I too busy?
A friend stopped me last night to ask me if I was busy … and then he adjusted to “too busy.” I thought for a moment and replied probably yes. He told me that he thought so and he could tell it in my eyes. What is the line between busy and too busy? Are we all flirting with it … and just one more commitment pushes us over it?
I will be done with this semester on December 17 and graduate May 16.
Maybe then I will return to being just busy!
A journey of self-discovery
Thinking about why I do the things I do – I have that covered. Thinking about why others do the things they do – I have that covered too. Unfortunately, I am not so good at matching the two together. I recently took an EQ (or Emotional Intelligence) test which revealed self-management as my area of weakness. I really am not all that surprised. I have always done a pretty good job at letting others dictate my behavior.
When I began working at IBM, I had a wonderful job for people who truly appreciated me. They praised me. They included me. There was no need to control my emotions, because I was only dealing with positive feedback. Then I experienced a job change. I was no longer praised. In fact, I was downright degraded. He did not think I could do anything, and he constantly let me know it. Not a day went by that I did not find myself in the bathroom crying at some point. This went on for 3 months. Then I was numb for the next 9.
Fast forward – I found myself again in a wonderful job working for and with people who truly appreciated me. I was again praised and included. Then, as fate would have it, I experienced a job change. I am no longer praised. Many days I feel downright degraded. I did some crying (not as much) and now I have become numb. Not good! I should have learned how to manage my emotions by now!
The EQ test has a corresponding Quick Book from which I took 4 take-aways: 1) Since I know how I am going to react most of the time, I should prepare for the emotional response to better manage myself in the moment; 2) When I am caught off-guard by an emotion, I need to take a deep breath and time to reflect (maybe even days) but then handle it. Obsessing with no action is counter-productive; 3) Most importantly, I know that “I am good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me” – to quote my favorite empowering mantra courtesy of Saturday Night Live. Use self-talk like that to replace the negative script in my head to positive script in my head … now I am driving the dialogue; 4) Rely on my friends and mentors for feedback. What did I do well in a given situation? What could I have done better? Am I being rational or am I being emotional?
Focusing on my self-management skills will make me more of an asset at work. Even more so, it will make me a happier person. I do not want emotions to rule my life. I want to be rational. I have had much success, but I will have even more as I continue to learn how to manage my emotions.
Blessing or curse?
I spent the last couple of months exploring the questions of gender, race and class through readings, film, research and sharing of personal experiences during an american pluralism class at Fordham University. Our discussions prompted our class to think about our individual place in the gender, race and class spectrum.
I am a woman. We look around the world and we see it is dominated by men. At IBM, a company of 380,000 employees, our CEO has 14 direct reports, only 1 of which is a woman. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. As of 2005, only 8 Fortune 500 companies had women CEOs or presidents, and 67 of those 500 companies didn’t have any women corporate officers. So I guess I should be jumping out of my chair about the 1 at IBM. Although not much hope for me!
I am white. According to all that we read and discussed, I am supposed to look at that as a privilege. However, to me, it has always been just the color of my skin. Yet, we started the class reading about Ronald Takiki, an Asian American, who had to defend his Americanism simply because of the color of his skin. I don’t have to do that!
I am middle class. I have a house, but only because I share it with my parents. I have a car, but it is 10 years old. Hey, no payments! Most of the time, I am ok with my class, but I work at a place where I am surrounded by wealth. My co-workers go on trips to places I have never heard of and could never afford to go to (at least not yet – as my professor was kind enough to point out). The parking lot is full of imports like Porsche, BMW, Lexus, Audi and Mercedes which they drive to their homes, nannies and housekeepers in Greenwich, Ridgefield and Bedford. Kind of depressing!
Yet, at the end of the day, these are just labels. Life is what I make it and I do not want to let these labels define me. I will not be the other (a major theme of the class was did we ever feel like “an other”! I will just be me … Tiffany … human! Now that is a label I can live with!!!
Did a person do good … or should that be well?
I find myself spending a lot of time yelling at the television set “WELL” because someone said good when they should have said well. Sorry Nashville Star judges – my latest victims. I was going to perform a public service announcement and write a detailed blog post on good versus well. However, Grammar Girl already did a great one so instead of reinventing the wheel, I share with you her post instead.
Excerpt: “It’s very important to remember that it’s wrong to use good as an adverb after an action verb. For example, it’s wrong to say, “He swam good.” Cringe! The proper sentence is He swam well, because swam is an action verb and it needs an adverb to describe it. Remember, you can only use adjectives such as good and bad after linking verbs, you can’t use them after action verbs.”
Summertime
I just heard “Summertime” – the single to relaunch New Kids on the Block. Is it wrong I really like it? I know it is really cheesy especially since we are all full-blown adults now, but as I listened I couldn’t help but get transported back to 1988. I remember getting my parents to take me to the Phar-mor (a drug store), buying the Hangin’ Tough cassette and putting it in my Walkman immediately. Yes folks – no iTunes, iPod, not even a cd … good old fashioned tape with an A & B side that needed to be rewound or fast forwarded to get to the track you wanted. I played it so loud my mom was sure it was going to blow my eardrums out. Hey – I was a 13 year old girl! “Cover Girl” – “The Right Stuff” – “Hangin’ Tough” – “Please Don’t Go Girl” (Man – Joey could hit a high note!) I also flashed back to their TV appearances – the place to catch teen acts was You Can’t Do That on Television on Nickelodeon … in case you did not know, the originator of the green slime. For any How I Met Your Mother fans, Robin Sparkles would have gone on that show to promote “Let’s Go to the Mall.” And the videos … “The Right Stuff” was my favorite – it was black and white – i would watch the video and do that dance … i just watched it again after all these years thanks to YouTube. See back then you actually watched music videos all day on MTV. Don’t get me wrong I love The Real World, but MTV was really all about the music in the late 80’s. Back then you recorded the showings that were on when you were in school on VHS, also tape that needed to be rewound or fast forwarded to get to the show you wanted. Yep, boys and girls, no Tivo back then either. I guess this stuff is what they call “old school.” Wow – that was an exhausting, but fun trip down memory lane. I still HEART you Jordan and I may check you out when you guys come to NY in September. (May 16 is their debut on The Today Show on NBC – setting my Tivo to stun!)
If I spend one minute angry…
…I give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.
Simple concept I know, but one that struck me hard when I heard it yesterday. When I get angry, I am giving away peace of mind and undeservedly so. Is it worth it? Am I accomplishing anything?!?!?!
I am going to try to think a little more before I react and save my peace of mind as much as possible.
After all, I should be the boss of my peace of mind, right?
Goodbye my dear friend
Hello world! My first musing is about a remarkable woman named Pecolia Reider, who I affectionately know as Ms. Penny. She has been a constant fixture in my life since my mother became friends with her 14 years ago. In November of 2001, the dreaded “c” became a constant fixture in her life. A misdiagnosed baker cyst in her leg became metastasized cancer spreading throughout her body. It began to take her body bit by bit, including one of her legs, but, through it all, she remained a beacon of light. Even when I was supposed to be cheering her up, she cheered me up. She had a zest for life like no one else I have ever met. She loved to smile, laugh, love, the New York Yankees, food and shopping. Even with only one leg she still loved to find the perfect shoe. On Friday, April 18, the bravest woman I have ever met could fight no longer and she succumbed to death. It really is hard for me to imagine that we now live in a world without her. My heart is full of sadness and I pray for those who loved her. She is survived by her loving husband Ed and her daughter Theresa … both were with her in the end. She has a large family with brothers and sisters who will miss her dearly. And for those of us not related by blood, we were related by spirit. She meant the world to me. Goodbye my dear friend. While I am sad you are no longer here on earth with me, I am glad you suffer no more. Cya soon Ms Penny! xoxo … Tiffany
